To those three of you still reading this blog, one of which who lives in my house and is related to me by marriage, I am happy to present the Q1 2010 update for the Fontanos South Central. (Time-out for a grammar lesson: Should that be Fontanos or Fontano's? Or maybe Fontanoes? I'm sure Fontanōz is right out. Maybe I should spell it phonetically. Fawn tan hoes. This is always the worst when you're writing Christmas or thank you cards. That's why I don't send either.)
(Time-in.)
The hardest part about blogging is getting myself in the mindset that our lives (that is to say the lives of the aforementioned Phontaneauxs) have anything going on even remotely worthwhile, and that anyone else in the world would have the slightest interest in reading about it. As last year was drawing to a close, I looked back over the last several months and thought, 'Honestly, we are pretty lame people.' And it's true. We've done nothing noteworthy, nothing that might give someone reason to pause and say to themselves "You know, those Fahntinose sure are neat. I think I'll take them off my 'People I hate' list and move them to my 'People I am undecided on' list."
We didn't plan and take a once-in-a-lifetime family vacation with a dazzling itinerary that we could map out here in great detail for our faithful reader to enjoy hour by hour, slightly-less-than-advertised attraction by slightly-less-than-advertised attraction, overly-priced meal by overly-priced meal, infinite-round-of-quiet game by infinite-round-of-quiet game, tracking our every move with painstaking specificity and accuracy so that he or she could be swept away as if riding right along with us in the car and/or plane and/or boat. Nope. No such magical vacations for us this year.
We didn't accumulate any new possessions that we could photograph from 34 different angles and present in collage form here, posted along with a scanned copy of the owner's manual and completed warranty card so that our devoted reader could enjoy it with us, as if he or she were sitting right beside us and could almost feel the water splash on his or her face as we sail across the lake in our new boat, or feel the air sweep through his or her hair as we drive around the lake in our brand new convertible or in our gently-used pre-owned motorhome with the windows open. Nope. Not even like a cool new power tool that at least our reader could enjoy if he or she was just a he, or new throw pillows for the living room that 'are not the same color as the old ones, you idiot - the old ones are beige and these are clearly light tan' if he or she was a she.
No peaks climbed, marathons run, walk-a-thons walked, tell-a-thons tellied. Nope. No weight lost, muscle gained, bad habits broken, good habits adopted. No major home renovations, no minor home renovations. No celebrity sightings, no names dropped, no unfortunate brushes with the law. No books read (unless you count Tara's 3rd re-reading of the Twilight trilogy), no quilts quilted, no amazing recipes discovered, or at least cooked correctly. Frankly, its been a very dull year for us (unless you count Tara's 3rd re-reading of the Twilight trilogy. It's so much better the 3rd time.)
We did DVR a heck of a lot of stuff, which was nice. But a listing of TV shows conquered seems hardly blogworthy, at least not for an end of the year post. That's more of a summertime post in between the NBA Finals and the start of football season when good TV is off the air and our reader would appreciate a look back at better television-viewing times, back when they were still showing new episodes of Community and the Bachelor hadn't yet delivered the final rose. You know, way back in the spring.
As I reflected on this utter lack of accomplishment by our family, I determined in my mind that 2009 would not go down as a dismal failure for the Fontaños. No, we must do something we can actually write about on the blog. But what? What was it we could do? I thought and thought and searched for an idea, any idea, but was stumped in my attempts to come up with something, anything. I paced the floor night after night for at least two nights to no avail. The idea would not come.
I asked Tara for ideas and she made a few suggestions. They were okay.
"Why don't you volunteer down at the local food bank?"
"Tara, I'm doing this for glory and adoration, not to help people."
"Why don't you try to take the Christmas lights down before February?"
"Tara, goals should be realistic and attainable. Have you even looked in your Franklin Daily Planner?"
"I could re-read the Twilight trilogy."
Alas, I fell to the ground sobbing, at which point Tara said "Please don't cry on the carpet, Peter, I just had it steam cleaned." Some might say that I was finished and indeed, a smaller man would have broken at this point. But as you all know, I have a bit of a weight problem so I am not a smaller man. (A cheap laugh, yes, but you know you went there before I did. No one can resist kicking a fat man when he's down.)
I should mention here that I took English 101 in college three times. I say that to illustrate a point, which is that sometimes you have to fail in order to succeed. And sometimes you have to fail twice in order to succeed. A wise man once said it doesn't matter how many times you get bucked off by the easiest English class taught at the collegiate level, and taught at that academic powerhouse, The Community College of Southern Nevada no less; the only thing that matters is that you re-register and drop another $75 per credit hour and take it again. These are the indelible lessons of life that remain with us forever, and come to our aid when we can't think of a single, stupid idea to put on the least-read blog of all time. My creative genius pulled a low C two nights in a row, but was I going to let that keep me down? Possibly, yes. I mean, come on - it was really hard to think of anything good.
So as all hopeless and desperate men do, I turned to that great source of all inspiration, and as I was thumbing through the channels, I came across Man vs Food - San Antonio Edition on the Travel Channel. It was there that I first learned about Lulu's Cafe and Bakery, housed in the nastiest building in all of Texas that is not yet condemned and nestled in the heart of downtown San Antonio. There they have the world's largest sweet rolls. I think so anyway. At least the largest in the greater northern downtown San Antonio area. As I watched the patrons eating these monstrous delights, I suddenly knew our family mission for 2009. We would conquer the Lulu's Sweet Roll and mark our places in history. And then, of course, post about it so the world could recognize exactly where that mark was, since I'm not entirely certain who is in charge of keeping those particular parts of the history of mankind.
I know this is shaping up to be a pretty awesome story. You're probably glued to the edge of your office chair, reading faster and faster as you anticipate the outcome, even though you're already certain what it is. You're breathing deeply, sucking in the heavy fumes of inspiration and feel-goodedness, you're chanting in your mind 'Rudy . . . Rudy . . . Rudy.' And as that exciting fervor builds within you, let me just say this: 2009 was a pretty dull year for us. No major awards received, no special dinners with ranking local politicians, no clips of myself on Sportscenter, and no World's Largest Cinnamon Rolls devoured. Nope. Nothing eventful. What a waste of a year.
What can I say? That cinnamon roll was freaking huge. We shared the thing between the family and only got half of it down. I blame Tara personally. She never caught the vision of this thing and just kept saying "Listen Slim, I am not buying you a new belt if you break this one, so you just remember that while you're trying to swallow this house of a pastry on your own."
I guess there's always next year. And I'm going to start watching TV right away so I don't leave our attempts at greatness to the very end, just in case we fail (or fail twice). All the best, my friends, for a happy, healthy and productive 2010.
(Time-in.)
The hardest part about blogging is getting myself in the mindset that our lives (that is to say the lives of the aforementioned Phontaneauxs) have anything going on even remotely worthwhile, and that anyone else in the world would have the slightest interest in reading about it. As last year was drawing to a close, I looked back over the last several months and thought, 'Honestly, we are pretty lame people.' And it's true. We've done nothing noteworthy, nothing that might give someone reason to pause and say to themselves "You know, those Fahntinose sure are neat. I think I'll take them off my 'People I hate' list and move them to my 'People I am undecided on' list."
We didn't plan and take a once-in-a-lifetime family vacation with a dazzling itinerary that we could map out here in great detail for our faithful reader to enjoy hour by hour, slightly-less-than-advertised attraction by slightly-less-than-advertised attraction, overly-priced meal by overly-priced meal, infinite-round-of-quiet game by infinite-round-of-quiet game, tracking our every move with painstaking specificity and accuracy so that he or she could be swept away as if riding right along with us in the car and/or plane and/or boat. Nope. No such magical vacations for us this year.
We didn't accumulate any new possessions that we could photograph from 34 different angles and present in collage form here, posted along with a scanned copy of the owner's manual and completed warranty card so that our devoted reader could enjoy it with us, as if he or she were sitting right beside us and could almost feel the water splash on his or her face as we sail across the lake in our new boat, or feel the air sweep through his or her hair as we drive around the lake in our brand new convertible or in our gently-used pre-owned motorhome with the windows open. Nope. Not even like a cool new power tool that at least our reader could enjoy if he or she was just a he, or new throw pillows for the living room that 'are not the same color as the old ones, you idiot - the old ones are beige and these are clearly light tan' if he or she was a she.
No peaks climbed, marathons run, walk-a-thons walked, tell-a-thons tellied. Nope. No weight lost, muscle gained, bad habits broken, good habits adopted. No major home renovations, no minor home renovations. No celebrity sightings, no names dropped, no unfortunate brushes with the law. No books read (unless you count Tara's 3rd re-reading of the Twilight trilogy), no quilts quilted, no amazing recipes discovered, or at least cooked correctly. Frankly, its been a very dull year for us (unless you count Tara's 3rd re-reading of the Twilight trilogy. It's so much better the 3rd time.)
We did DVR a heck of a lot of stuff, which was nice. But a listing of TV shows conquered seems hardly blogworthy, at least not for an end of the year post. That's more of a summertime post in between the NBA Finals and the start of football season when good TV is off the air and our reader would appreciate a look back at better television-viewing times, back when they were still showing new episodes of Community and the Bachelor hadn't yet delivered the final rose. You know, way back in the spring.
As I reflected on this utter lack of accomplishment by our family, I determined in my mind that 2009 would not go down as a dismal failure for the Fontaños. No, we must do something we can actually write about on the blog. But what? What was it we could do? I thought and thought and searched for an idea, any idea, but was stumped in my attempts to come up with something, anything. I paced the floor night after night for at least two nights to no avail. The idea would not come.
I asked Tara for ideas and she made a few suggestions. They were okay.
"Why don't you volunteer down at the local food bank?"
"Tara, I'm doing this for glory and adoration, not to help people."
"Why don't you try to take the Christmas lights down before February?"
"Tara, goals should be realistic and attainable. Have you even looked in your Franklin Daily Planner?"
"I could re-read the Twilight trilogy."
Alas, I fell to the ground sobbing, at which point Tara said "Please don't cry on the carpet, Peter, I just had it steam cleaned." Some might say that I was finished and indeed, a smaller man would have broken at this point. But as you all know, I have a bit of a weight problem so I am not a smaller man. (A cheap laugh, yes, but you know you went there before I did. No one can resist kicking a fat man when he's down.)
I should mention here that I took English 101 in college three times. I say that to illustrate a point, which is that sometimes you have to fail in order to succeed. And sometimes you have to fail twice in order to succeed. A wise man once said it doesn't matter how many times you get bucked off by the easiest English class taught at the collegiate level, and taught at that academic powerhouse, The Community College of Southern Nevada no less; the only thing that matters is that you re-register and drop another $75 per credit hour and take it again. These are the indelible lessons of life that remain with us forever, and come to our aid when we can't think of a single, stupid idea to put on the least-read blog of all time. My creative genius pulled a low C two nights in a row, but was I going to let that keep me down? Possibly, yes. I mean, come on - it was really hard to think of anything good.
So as all hopeless and desperate men do, I turned to that great source of all inspiration, and as I was thumbing through the channels, I came across Man vs Food - San Antonio Edition on the Travel Channel. It was there that I first learned about Lulu's Cafe and Bakery, housed in the nastiest building in all of Texas that is not yet condemned and nestled in the heart of downtown San Antonio. There they have the world's largest sweet rolls. I think so anyway. At least the largest in the greater northern downtown San Antonio area. As I watched the patrons eating these monstrous delights, I suddenly knew our family mission for 2009. We would conquer the Lulu's Sweet Roll and mark our places in history. And then, of course, post about it so the world could recognize exactly where that mark was, since I'm not entirely certain who is in charge of keeping those particular parts of the history of mankind.
I know this is shaping up to be a pretty awesome story. You're probably glued to the edge of your office chair, reading faster and faster as you anticipate the outcome, even though you're already certain what it is. You're breathing deeply, sucking in the heavy fumes of inspiration and feel-goodedness, you're chanting in your mind 'Rudy . . . Rudy . . . Rudy.' And as that exciting fervor builds within you, let me just say this: 2009 was a pretty dull year for us. No major awards received, no special dinners with ranking local politicians, no clips of myself on Sportscenter, and no World's Largest Cinnamon Rolls devoured. Nope. Nothing eventful. What a waste of a year.
What can I say? That cinnamon roll was freaking huge. We shared the thing between the family and only got half of it down. I blame Tara personally. She never caught the vision of this thing and just kept saying "Listen Slim, I am not buying you a new belt if you break this one, so you just remember that while you're trying to swallow this house of a pastry on your own."
I guess there's always next year. And I'm going to start watching TV right away so I don't leave our attempts at greatness to the very end, just in case we fail (or fail twice). All the best, my friends, for a happy, healthy and productive 2010.
11 comments:
Bravo Pete. Bravo. Well told story. Your three trips through entry-level English have served you well.
Awesome sweet roll. Is that your kid? If it is Benny Boy, I remember him as much smaller. Glad to read your quarterly report.
By the way, I note this story is from October but it just recently appeared in my Google reader. Maybe it was months in the making.
It is Benny Boy indeed. I started writing a post back in October and had nothing. So it sat in the draft folder until last night. I guess the time stamp is based on the origination date rather than completion date. I wish my work deadlines were like that.
okay, so I chuckled right along this whole blog entry... but I have to admit that the best part.... were seeing the three comments from Pete! Hahaha. Love it! And that roll was seriously GINORMOUS! Can't wait to go get one of my own... cuz the Fontanos are going down! ;)
pete you are still as funny as ever! I do want to hear about your boring lives though. I want to see updated pics of all of you. I cant believe how big Jeremy is. Our son is Jeremy too :) Wish you lived closer!
I know that your life is NOT boring- how could it be with you around?! Love the sweet roll- the Wiser's need one too- I have faith that we could eat the WHOLE thing, maybe we could teach Tara a thing or two!
2010 is going to be the year the Wiser's and Fontanos, Fantanoes, Fontano's... actuall get together!!!
Keep updating- some do care!
Well written! Thanks for the good laugh. Keep up the writing! I'm one of your remaining readers.
Well, at least your funny!
Glad to hear your family is still alive out there. Better luck next year with the cinnamon roll. I know you can do it...Will watch for Q2 report as well!
I LOVE your blog! It's always a sure laugh. Awesome post. The Garthe's want in on the next sweet roll outing! We'll give you a run for your money!
~kenna
I do look forward to the annual post. Thanks for your literary genious and never ending ability to instigate deep belly laughs.
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